Let’s skip the opener and just show up for the mane event. It's friday at 5 PM and I bust in to my local FNM store. A group of my buddies gathers for a friendly game of EDH. I ask what everyone is playing.
"Sisay"
"Windgrace"
"Ur-Dragon, how about you?"
"5 color horses"
Everyone pauses and laughs. They are all fools.
The game begins with me rolling first. I tap my shit ass dual land to play the magnificent Tarpan. More of what I assume is nervous laughter as the next few players do their thing.
Turn 2 is Benevolent Unicorn. More laughter. They say that it isn't a horse, but that's just racist.
Various horses and their shitty cousins come and go, most dying to Skullclamp but some face the enemy head on shiny and chrome as glorious chump blockers ensuring my life total remains stable.
Sisay ramps and quickly becomes the dominant board threat. Windgrace and Ur-Dragon take the brunt of her hits. While they’re constantly jockeying for position I cast Crib Swap taking out Sisay and replacing her with a baby horse. Her parents don't notice, or whatever that card's flavor is supposed to be. But more importantly, several players have expended the majority of their removal and countermagic. It's time to stop horsin' around.
End of my last opponent's turn I flash in Breaching Hippocamp. No one has a response. Untap upkeep draw later I reveal Splinter Twin. An opponent taps out to try and counter it. "Neigh" I reply, dropping a card to the table. It is Pact of Negation. I’m saddled with the burden of victory as the board is swarmed with trillions of horse-fish. I let out a victory screech and blurt out some random rick and morty quote, but their IQ is too low to understand.
"Why did you make that deck?"
"It was a spur of the moment decision."
"God damn it."
And so with great pride I reveal to you the absolute worst best deck to ever exist. 5 color horses, aka Horse of Notions.
Disclaimer: Yes this is 5 color horses. Yes horses are a very weak creature type with basically tribal zero synergy and only a tiny handful of fringe playable cards. I know this and so do you. However this is a very real deck and I am actually looking for advice here. :)
But with that said, let's get on to how a person can try to make this utter garbage function. Horses by sheer chance actually have two infinite combos. As mentioned before Breaching Hippocamp + Splinter Twin and also Black Carriage + Elemental Mastery combo into game winning effects. Intruder Alarm mixed with either aura and any horse results in infinite hasty copies of that horse or 1/1 elementals. Breaching Hippocamp also combos with Kiki-Jiki but he's just some shitty goblin, not a majestic horse. There are also quite a few sorta playable horses, unicorns, and pegasus in Magic... just not too many.
Boreas Charger is basically Cultivate but I get a chump blocker with it. Sometimes it's even better than that. Sometimes it is... much much worse.
Benevolent Unicorn and Plated Pegasus reduce the damage from burn spells so my board only takes 12 damage from Blasphemous Act.
Capashen Unicorn and Ronom Unicorn are really bad removal spells. But I can equip Skullclamp and make them kill themselves to remove an opponent's card and draw two of my own. Wispmare is technically just an Elemental but if it dies and my commander is out I can re-cast it for WUBRG. That's almost value!
Crested Sunmare is the only actual Horse tribal card. I don't run much life gain really so I don't think I'll ever win with 5/5 horse swarms but making my combo pieces Indestructible is really important.
All 6 Core Set 2019 horses. They're all pretty bad in commander but the CMC is low and they have decent enough bodies and abilities. http://gatherer.wizards.com/Pages/Search/Default.aspx?action=advanced&set=+[%22Core%20Set%202019%22]&subtype=+[horse]
Opaline Unicorn is a mana rock. A crappy one.
Sacred Prey, Tarpan, and Temur Charger are bad. But they all instantly die to Skullclamp...
Anyhow since most of the creatures in this deck are cripplingly weak I included as many cards that reward me for casting or sacrificing creatures as I could think of. Aura Shards, Cream of the Crop, Skullclamp, Path to Exile, and Plunge into Darkness all exploit my weak ass tribe. Running cute tribal synergy cards like Kindred Discovery is nice but only really works if the tribe is good to begin with.
The rest of the deck is just packed with as many tutors, draw, ramp, removal, and countermagic to assemble one of my combos as soon as I can. My land count is low at only 31, but the average cmc of the deck is 2 lol, and I have a fair amount of cheap ramp.
Anyone have any advice for this horsey garbage? My meta is relatively casual with a handful of more powerful decks. Win times range from turn 5 - 8 with some close games lasting much longer.
Edit: In particular I am looking for cards that improve the value of my bad horses. Springleaf Drum is probably playable. Stuff like that. I don't play black much because I'm probably racist or something so my knowledge of sweet ass sac effects eludes me. Also any and all horse puns are appreciated.
Edit 2: Some cards that will make the list once I find time to test...
Impact Tremors - Kills all my opponents instantly if I combo off, negating the need for haste and beats Pillowfort.
Plea for Guidance - Gets two Enchantments. Costly though and telegraphs my plan to all opponents.
Nameless Inversion - Creature removal that can be endlessly replayed via my commander. Technically a horse.
Reigns of Power - Takes someone with a winning board state and turns it against them. Also horse themed.
