Magic: The Gangstering

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Posted on Sept. 22, 2016, 1:14 p.m. by Gattison

Here are some parody songs I wrote about slingin' Cardboard Crack. They are old-school hip-hop with that old-school Hip-Hop attitude. Because it's funny. I hope that's okay.

Lionz Eyez on Me

The following is a parody of "Boyz in Da Hood," by Eazy-E.

Drew 7 quick, at about noon
Gotta play a Corpsejack Menace or two
Cast Hardened Scales before the play begins
Then get ready for the bitchin' from my friends
Simic Initiate, turn two, trigger-time
Cuz nerds at the path can't Interpret the Signs
Abzan Falconer, a whole playset
And some Charms and Battle Priests to fill out the rest
Bailed out some turns, bolstered my weapon
Just as I thought target fool kept steppin'
Jumped on T4, hit the juice on T5
I got counters front back, and side to side
Then I played an MP3 (3)
While buyin' new shit from WotC
It was Bolster Bolster and the Abzan Menace
Then I made my own deck and it looks somethin' like this
Feat of Resistance beats your 6/4
Mutant's Prey bitches, Burst of Strength hoes
Mulligan or draw, it's all the same scoop
Knuckleheads out there cold playin' to first-to-two
An opponent rolls up, who can it be
A fresh, bling deck worth a whole pound of weed
He came to the game table and started to say
It's all about makin' them R.T.F.C.


Cuz nerds in Modern are always hard
You come talkin' that trash, we'll pull your card
Knowin' nuttin' in life, but to win legit
Don't quote me boy, I ain't win shit

That's E. is the spot where I cast my stack
My man E is on that cardboard crack
My man used to be a friend of mine
Till I caught him in my 'yard tryina' steal my Hydra
Cast Treasured Find after I sided it in
He got 2-for-1ed when he did it again
Little did he know I got the mana to play
Planeswalker dead, Top 8, Good Game


Cuz nerds in Modern are always hard
Come talkin' that trash, we'll mill your card
Knowin' nuttin' in life but to win legit
Don't quote me boy, I ain't win shit

Bored as hell and I wanna cast spells
So I went to a spot where other nerds dwell
The kids out there jockin' Deathmist Raptor
You're lucky I ain't playsettin' Siege Rhino, ya bastids...
My life hits 40 and I start thinkin'
I got 8 8/8s, your battlefield's shrinkin'
Tap to Outlast, Phalanx Leader gets cast
Before I pass, Jack Forcefully Adapts
Ya go into ya bag, and ya get out ya pad
Thinkin' you would go 2-and-0, and go online and brag
You write it all down like you can't believe
You about to R-A-G-E-to-the-Q-U-I-T
You go, "no attack, pass," wouldn't ya know
Jack icey like a pimp, attack you bro'
Got the judge pumped up, like he's booin' for you
Bioshift Scute Mob, give him a +1 counter, too[chorus]Cuz the nerds in Modern are always hard
You come talkin' that trash, we'll discard your card
Knowin' nuttin' in life but to win legit
Don't quote me boy, I ain't win shit

I'm castin' hard like I'm playin' control
Strive for Solidarity of Heroes
I looked at my opponent and he said, "Oh, brother"
He countered my hydra, but I cast another
Flyin' in ya' face, I spin-down ya' die
Green, black, white, Temples of Scry
Did I forget to mention Primordial Hydra?
Gotta mention all my cards before I finish my rhyme
Faces get beat for resistin' my deck
Dromoka's Command sac's your enchantment
My deck is broken, attackin' me is a crime
Sure, 3-out-of-5, if you got the time


Cuz the nerds in Modern are always hard
Come talkin' that trash, we'll play your card
Knowin' nuttin' in life but to win legit
Don't quote me boy, I ain't win shit

My opponents go to block, but they got no 'field
Plus I got protection from your Repeal
Two corpsejacks, and your response?
Mill my deck? I'll 'board in Varolz
Be a good sport, said the judge
Don't mainboard Abzan Advantage
Use a calculator to confirm the damage
And a 100/100 is more than most can manage
I don't use fetches, I do it wit' painlands
I could do wit' basic Forests, Swamps and Plains, man
No Anafenza, Kin-Tree Spirit yet
But get ready to mainboard that Murder


Cuz the nerds in Modern are always hard
Come talkin' that trash, we'll counter your card
Knowin' nuttin' in life but to win legit
Don't play Legacy, it's competitive as shit

The following is a parody of "Jump Around," by House of Pain.

Life is up, counter in
Let me begin
I came to win
Attack me, that's a sin
Drown in dice when I sack up
Spike, ya better back up
Try to play the role and Suture Priest will act up
Life up, Wall up
Touch of Moonglove up
If you got removal then, punk you better use it
Wall of Limbs, Nyx-Fleece Ram
My Dying Wish
Is Murder Investigations
Block it, pump it
Sac it anyway
And I deal more damage than nerds at ya Local Gaming Shop
Sho nuff, I got lots of Exquisite Bonds
Plus Vampire Nighthawks


I came to get counters, I came to get counters
So get out your dice and help me count 'em
Dump 'em out, dump 'em out, dump 'em out
Dump 'em out, pump up, and win now
Pump, pump, pump (only Wall of Limbs) (3x)
Pump up, pump up, and win now

I'll cut your deck like Mike Holmes' show
If Jimmy steps up, infinite combo
Exquisite Blood and Sanguine Bond
And I got more triggers than North Korea got bombs
Just like Prodigal Sorcerer I've returned
Got no blue or red spells, still you'll get burned
'Cause I got life and you ain't got none
If you come to battle bring Protection
But if you do you're a fool, 'cause I deal to the face
Try to go 50 with me, you come in last place
I got the Wall, come get your Limbs
'Cause when I play Magic, I play like Tims


I came to get counters, I came to get counters
So get out your dice and help me count 'em
Dump 'em out, dump 'em out, dump 'em out
Dump 'em out, pump up, and win now
Pump, pump, pump (only Wall of Limbs) (3x)
Pump up, pump up, and win now

I Consume Spirits, and Doom Blade a lot
I never Diabolic Tutor 'cause I get what I want
Ya better get a Tournament player
Like Andrew Cuneo
To try and play me out like as if my name were Yu-Gi-Oh
But I ain't goin' out like no kid-game
Get used to one style and I might have to make
The change up up and around, new strategies now
Take all your life and ya' wake up in your own graveyard
Lingering Souls, Lingering Souls
I'm spittin' out 1/1 Spirits and 1/1 Soldiers too bro


But I came to get counters, I came to get counters
So get out your dice and help me count 'em
Help me count, help me count, help me count
Help me count my counters up now
Pump, pump, pump (only Wall of Limbs) (3x)
Pump up, pump up, and win now

The following is a parody of "O.P.P.," by Naughty by Nature.

Draw three wit' Harmonize
"WotC" drop a block on 'em

M.T.G. How can I explain it
I'll take you phase by phase it
To have y'all all castin,' drawin,' playin' shit
M is for Magic, T is for the definite article The.
And the G, well, lemme' tell y'about lands and mana
It's sorta like money, but no the card's worth just eleven cents
You see these 5 colors here, yeah, that's all there is
But wait, no, actually, yeah, there's also artifacts.
And gold cards and also don't forget colorless
Cast it.
You ever draw a godhand when you on the play?
Win on T3, table-flip and didn't say "good game?"
And then you sideboarded all your creatures out
Game 2, burnin' faces at ya cousin's house.
It's not a M-I-S, P to the L to the A to the Y
I really meant to turn one Lightning Bolt your guy
It's M.T.G. time, attack me and you gonna get it
There's no room for friendships, there's just room to swing wit.'
However many goblin tokens I can generate
It ain't wrong to Timmy up a field and then Spike your mate
And if you think it is, go play Pokemon
But if you don't, then here's your DCI card.


You down wit' M.T.G.? (Yeah you know me) [repeat 3x]
Who's down wit' M.T.G.? (All us Standard geeks)
You down wit' M.T.G.? (Yeah you know me) [repeat 3x]
Who's down wit' M.T.G.? (Every Standard geek)

(Now for the ladies) M.T.G. means something different
They say it's OK at first, but soon you find it isn't
It's the dumbest, most money-suckin' complete waste of time
You'd rather play with your cards than wit' this vagine.
They say the M-in-the-acronym stands for "masturbate"
T means "together" and the G, well of course that's "game"
They think we circle-jerkin' man, that's what I'm sayin'
I think they jealous they ain't got the cards we playin.'
Cast it.
You ever met a nerd who been playin' Magic all his life
On-again, off-again, back to Revised
You looked at him, he looked at you, and you knew right away
You and your vajayjay was gonna make him quit this game.
You said you wanted to learn to play but you didn't care
Cuz' at the end-of-day they still just paper squares
When y'all were done you went an' jumped his bones
He wanted to play again, you went fo' the do.'
Now don't be shocked if you come back he's playin' MTGO
Say M.T.G. (M.T.G.!) Always say it wit' pride
And when you play it, play it well and make sure it counts
You may be winnin' 8 packs now


You down wit' M.T.G.? (Yeah you know me) [repeat 3x]
Who's down wit' M.T.G.? (All us Modern geeks)
You down wit' M.T.G.? (Yeah you know me) [repeat 3x]
Who's down wit' M.T.G.? (Every Modern geek)

Some Johnny tried to Spike me
I'm mono- and he knew that, matter-of-fact, that why he played
He played an Island, a Hedron Crab and he passed priority
I thought I told y'all already, I Lightning Bolt wit' authority.
Cast it.
I mainboard Red Elemental Blast cuz playin' is cheatin'
He didn't believe it, he kept comin' back and catchin' beatins'
I said, "You wanna' go for 3-out-of-5, like Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey?"
He said, "What--?!" I said "Bitch, nevermind. I gotta' go win this tourney."
My archetype is burny, salty-by-nature rules attourney
Flip tables, catch warnins,' controllin' playas' like Sorin
Try hittin' me wit' a Cruel Ultimatum and I'll break ya' heart
You knew I was playin' M.T.G., hell, from the very start.
Come on, come on, now let me tell you what it's all about
When you get beat, you can't go runnin' off at the mouth
That's rule number one, at this L.G.S.
Act 13 and up and you can F.N.M.
Exciting isn't it? You are a planeswalker, kid
You brew your own deck and you bling it out proper wit'
Promos and prereleases by the playset
And say, "When M.T.G. happens, damn skippy I'm wit' it."


You down wit' M.T.G.? (Yeah you know me) [repeat 3x]
Who's down wit' M.T.G.? (All us Table geeks)
You down wit' M.T.G.? (Yeah you know me) [repeat 3x]
Who's down wit' M.T.G.? (Every Table geek)

The following is a parody of "Gangsta's Paradise," by Coolio.

As I cast instants and sorceries for prowess
I take a look at my deck, and realize there's nothin' left
Cuz' I been drawin' and castin' for so long
That, even the judge thinks that my deck is the bomb.
But I ain't never beat a playa who didn't deserve it
Me lose to the Eldrazi Menace, you know that's unheard of
Ya better cast that counter, and leave a chump to block
Or you might find yaself' in ya own graveyard.
I really hate to pass cuz I gotta discard
As I draw, I see myself in Terese Nielsen art, fool
I'm the P-Walker Team Small Child wants to be like
On the play, on the draw, playin mono- like it's .

I been spendin' most my time, livin' in a Magic Paradise
I don't need no deck advice, just the comprehensive rules website
I keep wastin' my whole life, livin' in a Magic Paradise
I don't need no friends if I keep playin' Magic on Friday Nights

Look at the mana situations that I be facin'
I can't play a normal game, I gotta change my land base
So I gotta politic wit' the playgroup
Too many GPs on YouTube got me talkin' poop.
I'm an oldschool playa wit' money and time
Got my seven in my hand, mulligan down to five
I'm tapped-out and swingin,' all-in Red-Deck-Winner
And my double-sleeved burn deck is not for beginners.
Victory ain't nothin' but 4 turns away
I'm playin' turn by turn like draw-go, what can I say?
I got 20 life now, my opponent's down to 4
Will he or she live to see another turn, I don't think so...

Tell me why are why, so blind to see, that the ones we burn, are Spikes and Johnnies

I been spendin' most my time, livin' in a Magic Paradise
I don't need no deck advice, just the comprehensive rules website
I keep wastin' my whole life, livin' in a Magic Paradise
I don't need no friends if I keep playin' Magic on Friday Nights

The blockin' and attackin,' attackin' and the blockin'
The tappin' and untappin,' all the shit I'm talkin'
Everybody's playing, but it's only me laughin'
At what's happenin' at the table, instead of passin.'
I play the playa not the game, I got 'em all on tilt
If they can't handle headgames, how they not gettin' killed?
I guess they will, I guess they gonna'
I guess they scoopin,' but how come they don't wanna play anotha?'

I been spendin' most my time, livin' in a Magic Paradise
I don't need no deck advice, just the comprehensive rules website
I keep wastin' my whole life, livin' in a Magic Paradise
I don't need no friends if I keep playin' Magic on Friday Nights

The following is a parody of "Jimmy," by KRS-ONE.

The T, the I, the M, the M
The Y, the T, the I, the M
It's Timmy! It's Timmy!

Here is a message to the GP pros
Just keep in mind, what every Johnny knows
You tap and tap and tap, you gotta'
But keep in mind about what's on toppa.'
Ya kitchen table, the one you eat on
The ones at FNM, that you sneeze on
A Timmy is a Timmy, no matter what
So take care of your deck, so the price goes up.
Cuz before rotatin,' cards get scratched
So run out and buy some Timmy Hats
It costs so little for a pack of fifty
So always buy two and sleeve your decks quickly.
Good for a present, a great surprise
Demonstrated by Legion Supplies
Protect yo' deck, keep your cards pack-fresh
Buy Timmy Hats for your GPX

So, remember you're never too old (Timmy is wearing a hat)
Remember thirteen years or older (Timmy is wearing a hat)
Do me a favor, use your sleeves
So Timmy will have the opportunity to trade me

Well, Dragon Shield is down wit' MtG
Teachin' y'all about Tim-o-thy
I don't wanna see you play unsleeved
Turn around and see your cards in the "flea."
Even Team Small Child sleeves 'em up
But play long enough and you'll meet one
Too many newbies takin' risks
Too many lifers gettin' pissed.
Timmy Hats are now a staple
Cuz you can't trust a public table
There's gloss and matte and double-matte finish
Companies outside America and in it.
So all you newbies wear your sleeves
Cuz an HP thoughtsieze is obscene
Don't be like new Tim-o-thy
Timmy Hats for MtG

The T, the I, the M, the M
The Y, the T, the I, the M
It's Timmy! It's Timmy!

So, remember you're never too old (Timmy is wearing a hat)
Remember thirteen years or older (Timmy is wearing a hat)
Do me a favor, use your sleeves
So Timmy will have the opportunity to trade me

Atony1400 says... #2

This is like, awesome!

October 5, 2016 9:21 p.m.

Gattison says... #3

=D lol glad you appreciate

October 6, 2016 11:16 a.m.

Gattison says... #4

eyes2sky, Atony1400: finished #3. enjoy. tell your friends

November 15, 2016 12:07 a.m.

eyes2sky says... #5

Epic

November 15, 2016 1:14 a.m.

Gattison says... #6

eyes2sky, LunaCelt and Atony1400 if you're still interested.

Got a 4th song. That's an LP now, I believe. =P

March 11, 2017 11:22 p.m.

eyes2sky says... #7

Nice Terese Nielsen reference!

March 11, 2017 11:26 p.m.

entheogeneral says... #8

Wait, do you record them?

March 23, 2017 7:45 p.m.

Gattison says... #9

I do not. I just write them and send them to Drake.

He has yet to actually use my material....

March 23, 2017 8:12 p.m.

Gattison says... #10

added a song I found by somebody else. my album now has a "featuring" credit. like every good rap artist does.... =P

March 25, 2017 2:03 a.m.

Wow!

March 25, 2017 2:21 p.m.

Gattison says... #12

GreenFuzzyNinja: tyvm. =]

March 26, 2017 5:26 p.m.

Gattison says... #13

This is is my new hero: link

April 15, 2017 6:23 p.m.

Gattison says... #14

Got a new one! This time it's not rap! WTF!

May 23, 2017 6:56 p.m.

Gattison says... #15

eyes2sky & LunaCelt

new song night!

now eyes2sky has TWO theme songs. you want one too, LunaCelt?

May 24, 2017 7:47 p.m.

LunaCelt says... #16

Gattison why yes I would!!! Here's what I got so far: listen to the Black Eyed Peas ROCK THAT BODY. But since my strategy is a lot of bodies a lot of the time, it will be BLOCK THAT BODY, and sing I WANNA SPIKE RIGHT NOW for the opening lyrics. the rest should be all about elves/mana/nissa/green creatures, and some original lyrics can probably stay. eyes2sky, listen too ;).GO!!

May 25, 2017 7:14 p.m.

Gattison says... #17

lol! excellent. I can do that.

...that is a friggin long song though. good thing it's just simple, repetitive club shit. should be easy enough, though. stay tuned!

May 25, 2017 8:31 p.m.

LunaCelt says... #18

Gattison staying tuned!!! :)

May 25, 2017 8:37 p.m.

Gattison says... #19

LunaCelt, are you tuned? because it is done!

also, tell eyes2sky

June 18, 2017 6:31 p.m.

Gattison says... #20

Quicksilver: By Request! Hope you like it. I am willing to listen to feedback however. =)

If you like it, I'll post the code on your wall so you don't have to relink/rename cards.

June 24, 2017 4:58 p.m.

Gattison says... #21

Argy: Done! Sorry it took a little longer than Quicksilver's, but this one was a little more challenging (so few words/syllables to work with). I'm happy with the result though, hope you are too.

June 30, 2017 2:42 p.m.

Argy says... #22

Love it!

Challenge completed, level up.

The link on minotaur and another is genius.

Of course that song will now be stuck in my head every time I play this deck.

June 30, 2017 2:45 p.m.

Gattison says... #23

Sweet! Glad you like it. =D

I'll post the "code" on your wall, so you can put it in the description if you want.

June 30, 2017 2:51 p.m.

Argy says... #24

That was very thoughtful.

It will go in the description, of course.

June 30, 2017 4:42 p.m.

Gattison says... #25

Np. =)

All my missions are completed, so... bump.

July 1, 2017 5:31 p.m.

Argy says... #26

Gattison here is Mimics and Bovines

Hope you enjoy it.

I changed some of the words a bit, some deliberately, and others because I had to remember them while using GarageBand.

The song is now on the Amonkhet Minotaurs deck page, so anyone who visits that can listen to it.

July 3, 2017 1:08 p.m.

Argy says... #27

I just realised that I put Neheb, the Eternal as the pic for that song instead of Neheb, the Worthy.

I could upload it again ... but I really can't be bothered.

July 3, 2017 1:39 p.m.

Gattison says... #28

added a song I found by n0bunga...

updated some stuff...

y'know...

July 10, 2017 7:06 p.m.

Argy says... #29

Gattison you didn't like the track I cut?

July 11, 2017 1:31 a.m.

Gattison says... #30

Argy: yes I did. What makes you say that?

July 11, 2017 6:02 p.m.

Argy says... #31

You just never said anything about it.

July 11, 2017 6:14 p.m.

Gattison says... #32

Oh. My bad. I responded over here, originally. I didn't mean to ignore you, but yeah, I like it, and just the fact that you made a "music video" for it was awesome! I'm so glad you did that. =)

July 11, 2017 6:37 p.m.

Argy says... #33

Ah sorry, I missed your comment.

July 11, 2017 7:55 p.m.

Gattison says... #34

LVL_666: alright, I'm done. next.

Seriously though, check out #10, above. I hope you like it. If you have any thoughts or ideas, or (gasp) even a criticism, please let me know. I'm an adult, I can handle it.

Also, thanks for requesting Faith No More, lol. That was cool. =D

August 21, 2017 11:37 p.m.

Gattison says... #35

eyes2sky: song #4 in "Under Construction"

August 28, 2017 8:43 p.m.

eyes2sky says... #36

Gattison Love it-great job!

August 28, 2017 9:36 p.m.

Gattison says... #37

New song.

Albums -> (Hip-Hop) -> #5 Timmy Hats

September 2, 2017 3:59 p.m.

Gattison says... #38

eyes2sky: Albums -> Pop -> #2

September 2, 2017 5:09 p.m.

Gattison says... #39

"I write the songs that make the whole plane sing."

I'm not done writing songs yet, so if anybody wants a parody/theme song for their deck, feel free to make a request.

September 23, 2017 6:23 p.m.

Gattison says... #40

see, I just wrote another song.

Albums -> Rock -> #5 (Jane's Addiction parody)

September 23, 2017 7:48 p.m.

eyes2sky says... #41

Gattison Its good!

September 23, 2017 10:53 p.m.

Gattison says... #42

got another one for filthyc4sual

Albums -> Rock -> #6

October 7, 2017 7:40 p.m.

Gattison says... #43

Albums -> Five-Color Rain (Pop) -> #3

Theme song for paper pauper... for now...

January 23, 2018 7:36 p.m.

Gattison says... #44

I added a Trinidad James cover by DeviousPenguin666, but... my accordions are all broken, so it's at the very bottom of the list of songs. I'll fix the coding later when I have more time.

February 8, 2018 7:58 p.m.

Argy says... #45

I made a request, I think.

Somewhere.

Flame-Chained to the tune of Bad Reputation by Joan Jett.

Woman seems to sing songs that suit my deck themes.

February 8, 2018 8:55 p.m.

Gattison This is the best album ever! xD

February 9, 2018 3:36 p.m.

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