Chapter One - Magic book
General forum
Posted on June 21, 2015, 10:02 p.m. by Servo_Token
Hey guys, so last week I posted about a Magic book that I had an idea for, and i've been working on it on and off since. I had been told that some of you guys wanted updates, so I figure that I'd just post an update chapter by chapter.
www.tjmmagicbook.weebly.com is the link. Please excuse the Weebly site, I needed a website in five minutes. If you have any ideas for the name, i'd appreciate if you shared - as well as just leaving any general comments you have.
The feel i'm going for here is like a young adult's novel, so don't go in with any high expectations, and be gentle.
Thanks guys.
GoldGhost012 says... #3
I wholeheartedly agree with xzzane. I know this is just a first draft, but you need to keep in mind that the characters and the narrator should talk and act like high schoolers.
Because it's 1 AM, I'll spare you the grammatical nitpicks. Cool beginning though.
June 22, 2015 12:56 a.m.
Servo_Token says... #4
This isn't even half of the beginning portion that I have planned out. I have three major pieces of the story planned, and this length wise is probably about a fifth of one portion, maybe smaller depending on how it all goes. While I do agree that I should probably be fitting more into the mind of a high schooler, I am drawing inspiration from the people that I see play Magic, typically people of a higher caliber than the average American high schooler. I could totally turn it down a bit too, that'd give me more room to be wordy with the non-dialogue.
I very much appreciate the open criticizing, how else am I going to know what I could be doing better? Thanks guys. Chapter two should be done by the end of the week.
June 22, 2015 1:05 a.m. Edited.
First chapter seems fine for a first draft. As people have said before, the sentence construction of your characters doesn't fit the roles they are portrayed in. The plotline seems fine so far. Its only the first chapter so you can't really tell where its going, but some more scenery details or characters would add some depth to the chapter. As they say, show, don't tell. But also don't go too overboard in describing characters, something like the first detail that would pop out at a person, for example a particularly large mole, or a crooked or overlarge nose, some type of clothing perhaps. Let us know when you write more. I'd love to keep following this.
June 22, 2015 1:11 a.m.
Servo_Token says... #6
Chapter two is delving more into the backstory of Spencer, but the rest of the characters are up to imagination. Unfortunately, they all have very white sounding names, which may not be ideal, but also probably doesn't present any issues. Extreme details will be left out unless they are needed.
June 22, 2015 1:30 a.m.
I wasnt talking about extreme details. Have you ever met someone for the first time and the first thing you notice about them is also what categorizes them in your mind. Mystery shows do this a lot. When they first introduce a character they have camera angles that emphasize a certain body part or body language that directs your impression of that character. I'm saying you should do something similiar. Right now I have no basis for what any of the characters look like or what kind of personality traits they have. And a small description of a trait would fix that.
June 22, 2015 1:36 a.m.
Servo_Token says... #8
Ah, I see what you mean. Yes, additional description is incoming, specifically for the main characters. I don't know who else is going to be a main character yet, but we'll see how I feel when I head back to starbucks to get my pretentious writer's face on. Chapter two gets all into descriptions and details, so hold tight for that.
xzzane says... #2
If you're taking constructive criticism, some of the lines are a little too correct grammar-wise. I've never known any kid to say "I definitely do not remember this if we did"; they would have said something like Really? I don't remember that"
"Spencer was certainly not a fan of learning all these new rules every week" is another example. They're slightly awkwardly worded in my opinion.
Sorry for criticizing right off the bat, my brother writes stories as well, and he has me edit them for him, so it's just something that came to mind.
I also find very amusing that you have a basilisk named Tibbles. The plot is vaguely reminescent of a series I used to read called Secrets of Droon. How long do you plan on this being?
June 21, 2015 11:05 p.m.