An attempt to build a truly woeful deck. Made in response to this thread; http://forum.nogoblinsallowed.com/viewtopic.php?f=15&t=15876
Requirements;
1) Deck may include any card ever printed in a paper magic set except for Unhinged, Unglued, Ante cards, or anything that requires physical dexterity - there is no ban list, so get creative
2) There must be exactly 60 cards, no more, no less
3) It must contain between 20 and 30 lands, at least 14 of which must be basic lands and at least 4 of which must be fetchlands (Terramorphic Expanse, Evolving Wilds, etc)
4) May only use lands that produce mana of a colour found in the deck (ie. no Islands if there are no Blue spells)
5) May not use cards which can't be played with the lands provided (ie. no Blue spells if there are no Islands)
6) Cannot include a card which has an additional cost that can't be paid
7) The majority of spells of a certain color must match the majority color of mana the lands provided can produce (ie. if you have more Blue spells than any other color, you must have more lands which produce blue mana than any other color)
8) At least 6 cards must be playable with colorless mana only
9) No more than four copies of the same card (unless it's a basic land or something like Relentless Rats)
10) Must include at least two cards for each converted mana cost from CMC 1 through 6
11) At least 20 cards must be able to deal damage to your opponent, no less than 10 of which must be creatures
12) Must include at least 6 forms of Removal
Reasonings behind some of the cards is thus; creatures kept to the bare minimum since creatures are generally good to have. 4 of them immediately jump to your opponents side anyway (the rules only state you need to have 20 sources of damage in the deck, 10 of which are creatures, it says nothing on if those creatures change side). Sure they deal 2 damage per turn to your opponents but they're also 3/3's for only 1, which really only leaves you with 6 viable creatures in the deck and no good ways to deal with your opponent smashing you in the face with them, short of chump blocking or 2 for 1'ing yourself. You CAN artillery them and then finish them off with a scorching spear, but only on your turn and it still deals 3 damage to you. Congratulations, you've dealt with your opponents 3/3! That you gave them... You can also puzzleknot/spear or puzzleknot/artillery, which is sort of a 3 for 1. Really the best thing to do with them is not play them until you somehow get your opponent down to near death then let them untap with them. It's just that getting them there is the hard part.
The remaining creatures all either deal damage to you to use their ability, or make you sac forests to even make viable. As per the rules since there are 2 wood elementals there needs to be at least 2 forests to sacrifice for them, which there are. Which means on turn 5 you can get a 1/1! Or turn 6 you can get a 2/2 and deal 1 to yourself! This is really as good as it gets. Honestly, your most viable course of direct damage is to ATTACK with the artillery, and in a few turns of that you might even pull ahead enough on damage to use its ability.
The remaining damage sources are superbly inefficient burn; scorching spear (1 damage to something for 1, at sorcery speed to-boot), puzzleknot (2 damage to something for 5, yay) and finally, security detail. Oh goody, security detail. Notice how ALL the white sources are from painlands. So at the earliest, turn 5 can get you a 1/1, but you take 3 damage first. And then you can't use it again if you have a creature. And they're useless in multiples. I count it as 4 of the 20 things that need to be able to do damage that the rules require, which since it makes tokens it technically does. Really badly.
Other useless cards includes all the removal, being extremely narrow and near unplayable as well as the 5 and 6 mana enchantments, which all do absolutely nothing, but hey, if you wanna sac your swamps to something, now you can! I even included targets for that... your opponent has them! And if you even think of casting the highway you're gona take 3 damage, but then, why would you want to, since you have no white creatures anyway? That's here mostly because I needed a 6 drop and it skews the mana requirements even further into white, so I can justify running fewer basic mountains and more white pains that won't help you. And if that wasn't bad enough, here's 4 copies of the chain veil. Not only does it do nothing, it actively hurts you. For no reason! It's here to fill out my colourless requirements and to clog up your hand. It's even legendary, so you can't even just play them all out to speed your own suicide!
The 4 fetchlands only fetch lands that aren't in your deck (the rules don't say they need to be able to sooo...), the 14 basics include the 2 forests for the elementals and a bunch of swamps for all those 3/3s you want to give your opponent and the enchantments to keep them alive, and a handful of mountains. I kept the mountain count as low as I could whilst still trying to meet the requirements for proper mana sources as per rule 7. Since most creatures that can actually deal damage directly cost double red, as well as your burn spells, I felt it important to make as much of the mana base deal red in pain form. Try racing that! Not to mention a few of them are them even enter tapped, for maximum frustration.
The deck CAN, theoretically win. The 4 scorching spears can do 4 damage, the puzzleknots can do another 4, taking your opponent down to 12. You can then activate artillery 6 times and take them down to 0, dealing 18 to yourself in the process. Which means if you take 2 damage from anywhere you're screwed. You can maybe get in a few more points with the artillery attacking directly or wood elementals, jumping through a few hoops along the way and probably burning yourself on pain lands. You can also play all the sleeper agents out late on and let them untap and take 8 in their upkeep if you can get all 4 out at once, but good luck surviving that long whilst not taking damage from your opponent. And if you're really desperate there's security detail. If that token can get in for damage it'll break even in 3 turns and in 4 it'll put you ahead on damage again. Easy right?
And all of this is assuming you don't just draw like crap. This is a 5 colour deck after all, with terrible fixing designed to help you take pain on anything that might actually be useful to you. Make no mistake though, this is an awful deck. It is a crime upon magic. I don't want to play this deck. Nobody ever should. But it is a glorious masterpiece of inefficiency and low quality jank and I love it.
