Abzan Advantage

Legality

Format Legality
Tiny Leaders Legal
1v1 Commander Legal
Frontier Legal
Vintage Legal
Modern Legal
Casual Legal
Legacy Legal
Duel Commander Legal
Unformat Legal
Pauper Legal
Commander / EDH Legal

Printings View all

Set Rarity
Fate Reforged (FRF) Common

Combos Browse all

Abzan Advantage

Instant

Target player sacrifices an enchantment. Bolster 1. (Choose a creature with the lease toughness among creatures you control and put a +1/+1 counter on it)

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Abzan Advantage Discussion

jacobef on THE PHYREXIAN CONVERSION

3 months ago

I would move Abzan Advantage to sideboard and replace it with Phytoburst or something.

Tropicalkings on Dromoka of Incremental Growth

4 months ago

Low impact cards:

Abzan Advantage Giving an opponent the choice is always bad

Ainok Guide 2 Mana does nothing

Shields of Velis Vel If you play more dragons then you don't have to turn everything into dragons

Dromoka Captain 3 Mana for a 1/1 that doesn't help the board

Joraga Auxiliary Bad mana sink is bad

Longshot Squad Should have enough fliers


Mana acceleration:

Sol Ring Should have put a ring on it

Talisman of Unity Painland knockoff

Selesnya Signet Getting the fix

Mind Stone Draw never hurt anyone(except black)

Hedron Archive Go bigger

Everflowing Chalice Sometimes big isn't enough

Fellwar Stone Someone should have what you need

Dromoka Monument At least it can dragon

Llanowar Elves The Classic

Fyndhorn Elves The Sequel

Elvish Mystic The Remake

Avacyn's Pilgrim The easy fix

Rishkar, Peema Renegade Everything is a mana dork

Gyre Sage Lots of mana


Possible upgrades:

Hardened Scales Add ASAP

Sunscorch Regent Value town counters

Destructor Dragon Bad Acidic Slime

Eternal Dragon Good early and late game

Jugan, the Rising Star More counters

Steel Hellkite Removal on a stick

Gavony Township Pump the team

Frontier Siege Free mana or fights

Encroaching Wastes Bad wasteland is better than no wasteland

Mosswort Bridge Building bridges

Command Tower The EDH land

Sea Gate Wreckage Comeback king

Llanowar Reborn Some value

Oran-Rief, the Vastwood Lots of value

Gattison on Music: The Gathering

11 months ago

Here are some parody songs I wrote about The Game of Cardboard Crack. Some of them are old-school hip-hop. I hope that's okay.

(And, yes. I do take requests. =D )

The following is a parody of "Boyz in Da Hood," by Eazy-E.

[Verse 1]
Drew 7 quick, at about noon
Gotta play a Corpsejack Menace or two
Cast Hardened Scales before the play begins
Then get ready for the bitchin' from my friends
Simic Initiate, turn two, trigger-time
Cuz nerds at the path can't Interpret the Signs
Abzan Falconer , a whole playset
And some Charms and Battle Priests to fill out the rest
Bailed out some turns, bolstered my weapon
Just as I thought target fool kept steppin'
Jumped on T4, hit the juice on T5
I got counters front back, and side to side
Then I played an MP3 (3)
While buyin' new shit from WotC
It was Bolster Bolster and the Abzan Menace
Then I made my own deck and it looks somethin' like this
Feat of Resistance beats your 6/4
Mutant's Prey bitches, Burst of Strength hoes
Mulligan or draw, it's all the same scoop
Knuckleheads out there cold playin' to first-to-two
An opponent rolls up, who can it be
A fresh, bling deck worth a whole pound of weed
He came to the game table and started to say
It's all about makin' them R.T.F.C.

[Hook]
Cuz nerds in Modern are always hard
You come talkin' that trash, we'll pull your card
Knowin' nuttin' in life, but to win legit
Don't quote me boy, I ain't win shit

[Verse 2]
That's E. is the spot where I cast my stack
My man E is on that cardboard crack
My man used to be a friend of mine
Till I caught him in my 'yard tryina' steal my Hydra
Cast Treasured Find after I sided it in
He got 2-for-1ed when he did it again
Little did he know I got the mana to play
Planeswalker dead, Top 8, Good Game

[Hook]
Cuz nerds in Modern are always hard
Come talkin' that trash, we'll mill your card
Knowin' nuttin' in life but to win legit
Don't quote me boy, I ain't win shit

[Verse 3]
Bored as hell and I wanna cast spells
So I went to a spot where other nerds dwell
The kids out there jockin' Deathmist Raptor
You're lucky I ain't playsettin' Siege Rhino, ya bastids...
My life hits 40 and I start thinkin'
I got 8 8/8s, your battlefield's shrinkin'
Tap to Outlast, Phalanx Leader gets cast
Before I pass, Jack Forcefully Adapts
Ya go into ya bag, and ya get out ya pad
Thinkin' you would go 2-and-0, and go online and brag
You write it all down like you can't believe
You about to R-A-G-E-to-the-Q-U-I-T
You go, "no attack, pass," wouldn't ya know
Jack icey like a pimp, attack you bro'
Got the judge pumped up, like he's booin' for you
Bioshift Scute Mob, give him a +1 counter, too[chorus]Cuz the nerds in Modern are always hard
You come talkin' that trash, we'll discard your card
Knowin' nuttin' in life but to win legit
Don't quote me boy, I ain't win shit

[Verse 4]
I'm castin' hard like I'm playin' control
Strive for Solidarity of Heroes
I looked at my opponent and he said, "Oh, brother"
He countered my hydra, but I cast another
Flyin' in ya' face, I spin-down ya' die
Green, black, white, Temples of Scry
Did I forget to mention Primordial Hydra?
Gotta mention all my cards before I finish my rhyme
Faces get beat for resistin' my deck
Dromoka's Command sac's your enchantment
My deck is broken, attackin' me is a crime
Sure, 3-out-of-5, if you got the time

[Hook]
Cuz the nerds in Modern are always hard
Come talkin' that trash, we'll play your card
Knowin' nuttin' in life but to win legit
Don't quote me boy, I ain't win shit

[Verse 5]
My opponents go to block, but they got no 'field
Plus I got protection from your Repeal
Two corpsejacks, and your response?
Mill my deck? I'll 'board in Varolz
Be a good sport, said the judge
Don't mainboard Abzan Advantage
Use a calculator to confirm the damage
And a 100/100 is more than most can manage
I don't use fetches, I do it wit' painlands
I could do wit' basic Forests, Swamps and Plains, man
No Anafenza, Kin-Tree Spirit yet
But get ready to mainboard that Murder

[Hook]
Cuz the nerds in Modern are always hard
Come talkin' that trash, we'll counter your card
Knowin' nuttin' in life but to win legit
Don't play Legacy, it's competitive as shit

The following is a parody of "Jump Around," by House of Pain.

[Verse 1]
Life is up, counter in
Let me begin
I came to win
Attack me, that's a sin
Drown in dice when I sack up
Spike, ya better back up
Try to play the role and Suture Priest will act up
Life up, Wall up
Touch of Moonglove up
If you got removal then, punk you better use it
Wall of Limbs, Nyx-Fleece Ram
My Dying Wish
Is Murder Investigation s
Block it, pump it
Sac it anyway
And I deal more damage than nerds at ya Local Gaming Shop
Sho nuff, I got lots of Exquisite Bonds
Plus Vampire Nighthawks

[Hook]
I came to get counters, I came to get counters
So get out your dice and help me count 'em
Dump 'em out, dump 'em out, dump 'em out
Dump 'em out, pump up, and win now
Pump, pump, pump (only Wall of Limbs) (3x)
Pump up, pump up, and win now

[Verse 2]
I'll cut your deck like Mike Holmes' show
If Jimmy steps up, infinite combo
Exquisite Blood and Sanguine Bond
And I got more triggers than North Korea got bombs
Just like Prodigal Sorcerer I've returned
Got no blue or red spells, still you'll get burned
'Cause I got life and you ain't got none
If you come to battle bring Protection
But if you do you're a fool, 'cause I deal to the face
Try to go 50 with me, you come in last place
I got the Wall, come get your Limbs
'Cause when I play Magic, I play like Tims

[Hook]
I came to get counters, I came to get counters
So get out your dice and help me count 'em
Dump 'em out, dump 'em out, dump 'em out
Dump 'em out, pump up, and win now
Pump, pump, pump (only Wall of Limbs) (3x)
Pump up, pump up, and win now

[Verse 3]
I Consume Spirits, and Doom Blade a lot
I never Diabolic Tutor 'cause I get what I want
Ya better get a Tournament player
Like Andrew Cuneo
To try and play me out like as if my name were Yu-Gi-Oh
But I ain't goin' out like no kid-game
Get used to one style and I might have to make
The change up up and around, new strategies now
Take all your life and ya' wake up in your own graveyard
Lingering Souls, Lingering Souls
I'm spittin' out 1/1 Spirits and 1/1 Soldiers too bro

[Hook]
But I came to get counters, I came to get counters
So get out your dice and help me count 'em
Help me count, help me count, help me count
Help me count my counters up now
Pump, pump, pump (only Wall of Limbs) (3x)
Pump up, pump up, and win now

The following is a parody of "O.P.P.," by Naughty by Nature.

Draw three wit' Harmonize
"WotC" drop a block on 'em

M.T.G. How can I explain it
I'll take you phase by phase it
To have y'all all castin,' drawin,' playin' shit
M is for Magic, T is for the definite article The.
And the G, well, lemme' tell y'about lands and mana
It's sorta like money, but no the card's worth just eleven cents
You see these 5 colors here, yeah, that's all there is
But wait, no, actually, yeah, there's also artifacts.
And gold cards and also don't forget colorless
Cast it.
You ever draw a godhand when you on the play?
Win on T3, table-flip and didn't say "good game?"
And then you sideboarded all your creatures out
Game 2, burnin' faces at ya cousin's house.
It's not a M-I-S, P to the L to the A to the Y
I really meant to turn one Lightning Bolt your guy
It's M.T.G. time, attack me and you gonna get it
There's no room for friendships, there's just room to swing wit.'
However many goblin tokens I can generate
It ain't wrong to Timmy up a field and then Spike your mate
And if you think it is, go play Pokemon
But if you don't, then here's your DCI card.

[Hook]
You down wit' M.T.G.? (Yeah you know me) [repeat 3x]
Who's down wit' M.T.G.? (All us Standard geeks)
You down wit' M.T.G.? (Yeah you know me) [repeat 3x]
Who's down wit' M.T.G.? (Every Standard geek)

(Now for the ladies) M.T.G. means something different
They say it's OK at first, but soon you find it isn't
It's the dumbest, most money-suckin' complete waste of time
You'd rather play with your cards than wit' this vagine.
They say the M-in-the-acronym stands for "masturbate"
T means "together" and the G, well of course that's "game"
They think we circle-jerkin' man, that's what I'm sayin'
I think they jealous they ain't got the cards we playin.'
Cast it.
You ever met a nerd who been playin' Magic all his life
On-again, off-again, back to Revised
You looked at him, he looked at you, and you knew right away
You and your vajayjay was gonna make him quit this game.
You said you wanted to learn to play but you didn't care
Cuz' at the end-of-day they still just paper squares
When y'all were done you went an' jumped his bones
He wanted to play again, you went fo' the do.'
Now don't be shocked if you come back he's playin' MTGO
Say M.T.G. (M.T.G.!) Always say it wit' pride
And when you play it, play it well and make sure it counts
You may be winnin' 8 packs now

[Hook]
You down wit' M.T.G.? (Yeah you know me) [repeat 3x]
Who's down wit' M.T.G.? (All us Modern geeks)
You down wit' M.T.G.? (Yeah you know me) [repeat 3x]
Who's down wit' M.T.G.? (Every Modern geek)

Some Johnny tried to Spike me
I'm mono- and he knew that, matter-of-fact, that why he played
He played an Island , a Hedron Crab and he passed priority
I thought I told y'all already, I Lightning Bolt wit' authority.
Cast it.
I mainboard Red Elemental Blast cuz playin' is cheatin'
He didn't believe it, he kept comin' back and catchin' beatins'
I said, "You wanna' go for 3-out-of-5, like Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey?"
He said, "What--?!" I said "Bitch, nevermind. I gotta' go win this tourney."
My archetype is burny, salty-by-nature rules attourney
Flip tables, catch warnins,' controllin' playas' like Sorin
Try hittin' me wit' a Cruel Ultimatum and I'll break ya' heart
You knew I was playin' M.T.G., hell, from the very start.
Come on, come on, now let me tell you what it's all about
When you get beat, you can't go runnin' off at the mouth
That's rule number one, at this L.G.S.
Act 13 and up and you can F.N.M.
Exciting isn't it? You are a planeswalker, kid
You brew your own deck and you bling it out proper wit'
Promos and prereleases by the playset
And say, "When M.T.G. happens, damn skippy I'm wit' it."

[Hook]
You down wit' M.T.G.? (Yeah you know me) [repeat 3x]
Who's down wit' M.T.G.? (All us Table geeks)
You down wit' M.T.G.? (Yeah you know me) [repeat 3x]
Who's down wit' M.T.G.? (Every Table geek)

The following is a parody of "Gangsta's Paradise," by Coolio.

As I cast instants and sorceries for prowess
I take a look at my deck, and realize there's nothin' left
Cuz' I been drawin' and castin' for so long
That, even the judge thinks that my deck is the bomb.
But I ain't never beat a playa who didn't deserve it
Me lose to the Eldrazi Menace, you know that's unheard of
Ya better cast that counter, and leave a chump to block
Or you might find yaself' in ya own graveyard.
I really hate to pass cuz I gotta discard
As I draw, I see myself in Terese Nielsen art, fool
I'm the P-Walker Team Small Child wants to be like
On the play, on the draw, playin mono- like it's .

I been spendin' most my time, livin' in a Magic Paradise
I don't need no deck advice, just the comprehensive rules website
I keep wastin' my whole life, livin' in a Magic Paradise
I don't need no friends if I keep playin' Magic on Friday Nights

Look at the mana situations that I be facin'
I can't play a normal game, I gotta change my land base
So I gotta politic wit' the playgroup
Too many GPs on YouTube got me talkin' poop.
I'm an oldschool playa wit' money and time
Got my seven in my hand, mulligan down to five
I'm tapped-out and swingin,' all-in Red-Deck-Winner
And my double-sleeved burn deck is not for beginners.
Victory ain't nothin' but 4 turns away
I'm playin' turn by turn like draw-go, what can I say?
I got 20 life now, my opponent's down to 4
Will he or she live to see another turn, I don't think so...

Tell me why are why, so blind to see, that the ones we burn, are Spikes and Johnnies

I been spendin' most my time, livin' in a Magic Paradise
I don't need no deck advice, just the comprehensive rules website
I keep wastin' my whole life, livin' in a Magic Paradise
I don't need no friends if I keep playin' Magic on Friday Nights

The blockin' and attackin,' attackin' and the blockin'
The tappin' and untappin,' all the shit I'm talkin'
Everybody's playing, but it's only me laughin'
At what's happenin' at the table, instead of passin.'
I play the playa not the game, I got 'em all on tilt
If they can't handle headgames, how they not gettin' killed?
I guess they will, I guess they gonna'
I guess they scoopin,' but how come they don't wanna play anotha?'

I been spendin' most my time, livin' in a Magic Paradise
I don't need no deck advice, just the comprehensive rules website
I keep wastin' my whole life, livin' in a Magic Paradise
I don't need no friends if I keep playin' Magic on Friday Nights

The following is a parody of "Jimmy," by KRS-ONE.

The T, the I, the M, the M
The Y, the T, the I, the M
It's Timmy! It's Timmy!
[repeat 1x]

Here is a message to the GP pros
Just keep in mind, what every Johnny knows
You tap and tap and tap, you gotta'
But keep in mind about what's on toppa.'
Ya kitchen table, the one you eat on
The ones at FNM, that you sneeze on
A Timmy is a Timmy, no matter what
So take care of your deck, so the price goes up.
Cuz before rotatin,' cards get scratched
So run out and buy some Timmy Hats
It costs so little for a pack of fifty
So always buy two and sleeve your decks quickly.
Good for a present, a great surprise
Demonstrated by Legion Supplies
Protect yo' deck, keep your cards pack-fresh
Buy Timmy Hats for your GPX

So, remember you're never too old (Timmy is wearing a hat)
Remember thirteen years or older (Timmy is wearing a hat)
Do me a favor, use your sleeves
So Timmy will have the opportunity to trade me

Well, Dragon Shield is down wit' MtG
Teachin' y'all about Tim-o-thy
I don't wanna see you play unsleeved
Turn around and see your cards in the "flea."
Even Team Small Child sleeves 'em up
But play long enough and you'll meet one
Too many newbies takin' risks
Too many lifers gettin' pissed.
Timmy Hats are now a staple
Cuz you can't trust a public table
There's gloss and matte and double-matte finish
Companies outside America and in it.
So all you newbies wear your sleeves
Cuz an HP Thoughtsieze is obscene
Don't be like new Tim-o-thy
Timmy Hats for MtG

The T, the I, the M, the M
The Y, the T, the I, the M
It's Timmy! It's Timmy!
[repeat 1x]

So, remember you're never too old (Timmy is wearing a hat)
Remember thirteen years or older (Timmy is wearing a hat)
Do me a favor, use your sleeves
So Timmy will have the opportunity to trade me

The following is a parody of "Dirty Water," by The Standells.

I'm gonna tell you a story
I'm gonna tell you about Island s
I'm gonna tell you a big fat story, Tammy
Aw, it's all about Island s

Yeah, put down an Island
Put down an Island and tap for (Aw, that's what's happenin' Tammy)
Casting a merfolk
Along with serpents, wizards, and sphinxes (Aw, but they're cool creatures)

Well I love that salty water
Oh, Island , you're my home (Oh, you're the number one basic)

Frustrate opponents (I mean they're frustrated)
Have me down to twelve before I start (oh, it's just a game)
Now I'm wishin' and a-hopin' (oh)
That just once they would not block (I like to save bounces for after my baby landwalks around)

But I love that salty water
Oh, Island , you're my home (oh, yeah)

Because I love that salty water
Oh, Island , you're my home (oh, yeah)
Well, I love that salty water (I love it, baby)
I love that salty water (I love Island s)
I love that salty water (Have you heard about the Morphling?)
I love that salty water (He's super, man, super, man)
I love that salty water (Ow)
I love that salty water (Come on, come on)

The Following is a parody of "Baba O'Riley," by The Who.

Out here in the Wastes
I cast and I play
I wait like Spike before I swing out
I don't need to pay
The full CMC
Foundry Inspector gives me a discount

Don't scry
Don't raise your life
It's only basics

Jenny discard your hand
Sac' everything but your lands
Put out a beater
Never mind what I'm holding
The "late-game" is here
Thought-Knot Seer
Go get my commander
Before the turn is over

basics
It's only basics
basics
Oh, oh
basics
But no Wasteland!

The following is a parody of "We Care a Lot," by Faith No More

We share a lot
We share a lot
We share a lot, we share colors like , , , and
We share a lot, we share mechanics like flying, trample and lifelink
We share a lot, we share deathtouch and first strike, and double strike
We share a lot, we share too much, they say, down in the Sliver Hive , yeah

(Oh-oh-oh-oh) Oh, it's a dirty deck but someone's gotta play it
Oh, it's a dirty deck but someone's gotta play it

We share a lot
We share a lot
We share a lot, we share our Syphons and our bonescythes and our essence
We share a lot, we share four times as much as you, that's why we're better
We share a lot, we share abilities like " to regenerate"
We share a lot, we share things like "+1/+1 for each one of us in play," YEAH!

Well it's a dirty deck but someone's gotta play it (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Well it's a dirty deck but someone's gotta play it (3x)
(repeat 1x)

We share a lot
We share a lot
We share a lot, we share our sacrifices for the mana pool
We share a lot, we share the same turn-ons that's how we make the brood
We share a lot, we share mana
We share a lot, we share fortune
We share a creature type, now don't slivers look like fun?
We share a lot, we share the battlefield with ourselves and no one else
We share a lot, we share the graveyard with the goblins and the elves
We share a lot, we share with little slivers and big slivers too
We share a lot, if you're a sliver then we'll share with you too, YEAH!

Well it's a dirty deck but someone's gotta play it (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Well it's a dirty deck but someone's gotta play it (3x)
(repeat 3x)
Well it's a dirty deck but someone's gotta play it (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Well it's a dirty deck but someone's gotta play it (2x)
If it's a parody then Gattison'll write it

The following is a parody of "Suck My Kiss," by Red Hot Chilli Peppers.

Well I'm keeping
Yeah... aw yeah [2x]
Tap me!

Shoulda' been, coulda' been, woulda' been dead
If didn't forget to extort my friends
I play what I play
Most planeswalkers don't play my way
Aw, Timmy, think you are
boltin' my face, I'll use my charm
Someone from Jund better Inquisition
Little ol' me cuz I'm runnin' pump
Brewed ver-y, unfair
Most planeswalkers like salt on theirs
Aw, Timmy, not prepared
Cast Soul Kiss and pay my share

Hit me, you can't hurt me
Cast Mimic
Edge of the Divinity
Cast Soul Kiss
Is Johnny playing dirty?
Give to me sweet sacred Nips
Your face was made to suck my kiss

Swing at me can't you see all my blockers T-A-P'ed
He or she falls into my scheme
Combat trick me?
They been countin' charms but I still got these
Aw, Timmy, lifelink too
I would scoop and drop now if I was you
T-A-P-P-I-N-G
Swing-a-swing at me cuz I'm at eighty
Mid-game is my
Late-game so I'm swingin' out
Aw, Timmy, sideboard out
Those Pyroblasts I do allow

Hit me, you can't hurt me
Cast Mimic
Block me or do not block me
It's just Nips
Is Johnny playing dirty?
Give to me pets with flying
My deck was made to cast Soul Kiss

Shoulda' been, coulda' been, woulda' been dead
If didn't get the Mimic on the battlefield
I play what I play
Most planeswalkers don't play my way
Aw, Timmy, think you are
boltin' my face, I'll use my charm
Someone from Jund better Inquisition
Little ol' me cuz I'm runnin' pump
Brewed ver-y, unfair
Most planeswalkers like salt on theirs
Aw, Timmy, not prepared
Cast Soul Kiss and pay my share

Hit me, you can't hurt me
Cast Mimic
Edge of the Divinity
Cast Soul Kiss
Is Johnny playing dirty?
Give to me sweet sacred life
Your deck was made to suck to mine

The following is a parody of "Rock That Body," by the Black Eyed Peas.

[chorus]I wanna elf right now
I wa--I wanna elf right now
I wa--I wanna elf right now
Now, now, elf right now.
I wa--I wanna elf right now
I wa--I wanna elf right now
I wa--I wanna elf right nooowww

I want more lands, I want more lands and more life
I wanna drop, I wanna drop a body
I wanna swing, I wanna swing friggin' wide
Up in ya face and then drop another body.

Block that body
Come on, come on, block that body (Block that body)
Block that body
Come on, come on, block--that--body
(repeat)
[/end chorus]

Look at all these--creatures I got
Scryin' land to--the bottom from top
Synergize with just one drops
Mono- got the board on lock. (Board on lock)
Swing and watch--you'd have to have like a million blockers
Faces be boomin'--and lifegain lots
It's a good game if you scoop or not
Elves are like rabbits they just don't stop. (Porkin' lots)

When you swingin' at elves just stop
Think, do you have enough to block
'Cause elves be droppin' around the clock
Go to combat and then tap them all.
If you swing back I cast a Fog
Rancor on Elvish Vanguard
No one boardwipes elves for long! (Elves are bomb!)

[chorus/repeat]

Androgynous man-ladies
Elves are androgynous man-ladies
Elves are androgynous man-ladies
Elves are all androgynous man-ladies

Yeah, they could be big-butts
1/2s, they got junk in trunks
They could be vanilla types
Chumps with no abilities.
Short stacks, elf tribal
I just like to synergize
Triggers outta sight
Trigger--triggers outta sight.

She don't mulligan
Or miss land-drops
And in her mainboard
She got eight dorks.
She like trample, she love tokens
Timberwatch Elf, the shit is broken
She like counters, and the mid-range
She like the late-game, and f***in' lifegain.

Don't get mad at me, elves are just stupid
Don't get mad at me... (bro, bro, bro, bro)

I want more lands, I want more lands and more life
I wanna drop, I wanna drop a body
I wanna swing, I wanna swing friggin' wide
Up in ya face and then drop another body.

[and so on...]

The following is a parody of "Papa Don't Preach," by Madonna.

Pauper, is something I know I can playset
And I almost always play budget
But you should know by now
I'm not a Timmy
I started brewing with mono-
Then I splashed for the Deacon Vile
I may be Orzhov now
But I know what I'm playin'

The tribe you never heard about
Until Pauper came around
This was a great playtest
Now let's play for ante (please)

[chorus]
Pauper don't preach, cast a Suture Priest
Pauper don't preach, Mana Tithe is weak
I made up my mind, I'm tapping my cleric (mmm)
I'm gonna' tap my cleric (mmmmm)
[/chorus]

He or she's going to swing at me
We both have a decent battlefield
Maybe they'll be alright
Maybe I'll sacrifice

But my opponent won't give it up
Playing too many clerics for you to touch
What you need right now is some Harsh Sustenance (for three)

[chorus]
Pauper don't preach, cast a Suture Priest
Pauper don't preach, Blessing's almost free
I made up my mind, I'm tapping my cleric (uh)
I'm gonna' tap my cleric (ooh, oh)
[/chorus]

Johnny, Johnny if you could only see
Just how much I can do with cleric synergy
You'd give up your goblins right now
'Cause clerics are fun, clerics are fun (so please)

[chorus]
Pauper don't preach, cast a Suture Priest
Pauper don't preach, Charming Misery
I made up my mind, I'm swing with auger il-vec|clerics (uh)
I'm gonna' swing out, dammit (ooh, oh)
[/chorus]

Pauper don't preach, cast a Suture Priest
Pauper don't preach, Mana Tithe is weak
[repeat 1x]

Pauper don't preach, ooh
Pauper don't preach, I'm gonna cast a cleric (ooh)
Pauper don't preach, don't you stop playing me, Timmy
Pauper don't preach, I know I'm winning with clerics

The following is a parody of "Ghostbusters," by Ray Parker Jr.

If there's something jank, at your LGS
Who ya' gonna cast? Ghostbuster!
If they're playin' dredge, or aristocrat decks
Who ya' gonna cast? Ghostbuster!

I ain't afraid to play ghosts
I ain't afraid to play ghosts

If all your cards, are leavin' your graveyard
Who ya' gonna blame? Ghostbuster!
Eldrazi Monument, Promise & Sun Titan
Goin' infinite! Ghostbuster!

I ain't afraid to play ghosts
I ain't afraid to play ghosts

Who ya' gonna cast? Ghostbuster!

On the play or draw, by turn three or four
Just cast, Ghostbuster!

I ain't afraid to play ghosts
(I kinda' like this girl)
I ain't afraid to play ghosts
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)

Who ya' gonna cast? Ghostbuster!

If you've got a game, at a, kitchen table
Then you better play, Ghostbuster!

(Let me tell you something, 1/1 Spirits make me feel good!)

I ain't afraid to play ghosts
I ain't afraid to play ghosts

Don't run outta cards, oh no! Ghostbuster!
When it comes to control, or decks that mess wit' my tempo
I wish you'd just leave alone, Ghostbuster!

Who ya' gonna cast? Ghostbuster! (x16)

The following is a parody of "Crimson and Clover," by Tommy James & The Shondells.

(Go-o)
Now I cast a minotaur
And then I cast another
Mimics & bovines

(Dra-aw)
It's midnight in Zulaport
Neheb's a worthy warrior
Mimics & bovines
Every Friday night

(Tap) (Throne of the God-Pharaoh)
My creatures are swingin' (Throne of the God-Pharaoh)
Triggerin' everything (Throne of the God-Pharaoh)
It's just a Standard beating (Throne of the God-Pharaoh)
Mimics & bovines (Throne of the God-Pharaoh)
Every Friday night

Mimics & bovines, every Friday night (x6)

Click here for the MUSIC VIDEO!!!

The following is a parody of "All About That Bass," by Meghan Trainor

[chorus]
Because you know
I'm all about that base--mana base (no basics) [x3]
I'm all about that greedy mana base
[/chorus]

Yeah, it's pretty clear, even by turn two
I should'a mulliganned, at least a time or two
I got that Mana Screw , screw, like I'm Unstable
Blood Moon went and ruined all of my nonbasics
I see that Modern deck, workin' burn archetype
You know that you ain't Sligh, c'mon, you 0-for-5
You got that enchantment, I'm 'bout to hate it up
Next time just Magma Scry and move it to the bottom from the top

Yeah, The primers I read said don't worry about your life
Like players say, "it's just a resource to get you by"
You know I won't be no target for your Lightning Bolt
So if that's what into then go ahead, but it's gettin' old.

[chorus/repeat]

  1. "Let's Talk About Stax," (or, "Let's Tech About Dex") by Salt-N-Saltier
  2. "99 Problems (But Your Deck Ain't One)," by Day-3
  3. "Won," by Artifallica/Myrtallica
Here are more songs I found around the site written by people who are not me that I thought were worth sharing. See! Other people do it, too! I'm not the only one! =P
The following is a parody of "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Theme Song"

Now this is the story all about how
My card got tapped, turned upside down
And Id like to take a minute just sit right there
Ill tell you how I became the prince of a plane called Trokair

On the battle grounds of Jund, born and raised
Bloodbraidin was how I spend most of my days
Buffin out, plusin, attackin all cruel
And all smashin fools faces in every duel
When Rakka and Vol, who were up to no good
Started making trouble in my neighborhood
Got in one little fight and Ajani got scared
He said you are summoning out to a plane called Trokair
Summoning sickness wore off, my vision came clear
I Screamed, My names Kresh, yall best have some fear
If anything I could say the next fight was fare
But I thought, Naw, forget it. Now on to Trokair!

Charged up to a creature, power seven or eight
Beat em to the ground yelling, YO, IM BLOODBRAIDED
Looked at my kingdom I was finally there
To sit on my throne as the prince of Trokair

The following is a parody of "Be Our Guest," by Howard Ashman & Alan Menken. (From Disney's Beauty & the Beast, 1991.)

Be.
My.
Guest.
Be my guest.
Tied your hands up from your chest.
Strap you to The Rack and then sit back,
For I'll control the rest.
You've got spells? Raven's Crime!
Watch them leave your hand and fly,
To the graveyard; I'll save you from,
Casting cards like this green Pest.
Fatal Push? or Smallpox?
And that 'Goyf's knocked off its socks!
Sit and let the rack's all stack,
As your life's put to the test.
Your Sanctity? Sacre bleu!
"Now my plans have fallen through."
Is a statement I won't make despite your best.
I'll side a spell or two,
And I'll bid you adieu.
And let you rest,
With great distress,
Oh please, won't you be, my guest?!

dozensOfUS

buildingadeck on

1 year ago

Okay, so with the deck as it is currently, you're uber susceptible to being wiped out by a board wipe. You need cards that will replace themselves. I would start by adding in some of the mana rocks (you're definitely running too few) like Mind Stone and Hedron Archive that can double as card draw once you have enough mana. Something like Rogue's Gloves wouldn't be awful either, since this is clearly pretty budget.

I would also highly consider running a Planeswalker or two. Walkers are not always terribly expensive, and they can provide excellent card advantage. Elspeth, Sun's Champion, though she doesn't make humans, is simply a bomb in EDH. Also, cut things like Gideon's Reproach and Abzan Advantage that can't always hit the cards you need them to, replacing them with cards like Swords to Plowshares and Fate Forgotten.

Lastly, cards like Rush of Battle are very bad. You want to cast things that will give you repeated value, especially in EDH where people's life totals start at 40. Replace all of these types of spells with cards like Spear of Heliod, Heliod, God of the Sun, Always Watching , Honor of the Pure, etc. Spear is actually probably the best of these since it can double as removal, but you definitely want more versatile cards. Also, in a humans deck, why no Angel of Glory's Rise?

GearNoir on What would multiple Enduring Slumlords ...

1 year ago

You would of course need two Lords and also a 3rd card such as a Abzan Advantage or Joraga Warcaller to place the first counter and begin the loop.

Crotale on

1 year ago

Gleam of Authority sounds pretty solid I like that suggestion. I think Abzan Advantage might be a bit redundant though given I am running four copies of Dromoka's Command.

Quadsimotto on

1 year ago

This has some good synergy for a scales deck. Sweet mana curve all in all well done. I tested with it a bit and the hangarbacks get out of control quickly if not dealt with immediately. Perhaps a copy or two of Abzan Advantage in the side for enchantment hate that works well with the scales. I dont know where you would find room for it but Anafenza, Kin-Tree Spirit might also work well with this theme as a one or two of. And then there is a killer card that would work great as a one or two of in Gleam of Authority I will say though that this runs just fine as is. No need for changes.

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