Pattern Recognition #170 - Kobolds

Features Opinion Pattern Recognition

berryjon

1 October 2020

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Hello everyone! This is Pattern Recognition, TappedOut.Net's longest running article series as written by myself, berryjon. I am something of an Old Fogey who has been around the block quite a few times where Magic is concerned, as as such, I use this series to talk about the various aspects of this game, be it deck design, card construction, mechanics chat, in-universe characters and history. Or whatever happens to cross my mind this week. Please, feel free to dissent in the comments below the article, add suggestions or just plain correct me! I am something of a Smart Ass, so I can take it.

Snickles@EDH_only said:

See, if we're heading to the forgotten realms, the tribe I want to see more of is another oldy-goldy: Kobolds!

So, your wish is my command! Or at least my article.

Kobolds are a joke. That's it. That the summary of their creature type. End of story. Thanks for reading!

Oh, now you want me to actually talk about them, don't you? Fine.

Kobolds are a creature type, with one exception in . They were introduced in Legends as an attempt at a replacement or at least supplementary creature type for Goblins and oh boy did things go right off the rails right away.

You see, Kobolds have a gimmick. A really bad one. One so horrible that it ... well, I'm not really sure what Wizards was thinking at the time. You see, in Legends, 7 Kobolds were printed. 4 at common, 2 at uncommon and 1 at rare. And, well... you know, I think it's better if I showed you guys rather than telling you.

Kobolds of Kher Keep

Let me process this for you while you gaze at each new thing about it that is wrong on some level. First, is does have a casting cost of . This was a deliberate design decision on the part of Wizards because when you get a 1/1 Goblin for , surely you can't charge that much for a creature with less stats and can't even fly like Ornithopter can, right?

Secondly, all the text on the Kobolds have been replaced by the colour-identity symbol seen on modern reprints of cards like Pact of Negation or on the flipside of certain cards like Nicol Bolas, the Arisen  ^Flip. So they actually have no abilities, and thus are a viable target for Muraganda Petroglyphs! OK, so that's not much.

But the real kicker was two of the other three commons in the set. You see, besides the Kobolds of Kher Keep, we also got Crimson Kobolds and Crookshank Kobolds.

Just.... just pause for a minute and wonder what the heck was going through the minds at Wizards when they printed a card that was horrible then decided the only possible thing they could do would be to print it twice more. In the same set. Under different names.

If you've started ranting at Wizards at this point, I don't blame you. But there are the other Kobolds in the set that I want to reveal for you all.

You see, these useless pieces of cardboard that are really only suitable for driving up your Storm Count or as a sacrificial piece in a combo, they have an advantage. They have Kobold Drill Sergeant, Kobold Overlord and Kobold Taskmaster.

No, don't ask me why the Kobold that raises Toughness is also a Trample-granting Lord. But regardless, we have three Lordly creatures for Kobolds, one at common to grant +1/+0, while the others are at Uncommon. If you had all three in play, your Kobolds of Kher Keep would be a 1/2 creature with Trample and First Strike!

There has got to be a way to do a :toot: emoticon around here. It seems relevantly underwhelming.

So here's the Kobold's gimmick. They are a horde type enemy that, in theory, makes them second to Slivers in terms of being able to produce a giant army out of nowhere to attack with. Or at least that's the theory. In practice, it didn't work out that way as Kobolds didn't get haste, so they could never swing on their first turn, leaving them with a very wide open point where they could get killed before the horde can attack.

But what is it about the Kobolds of Kher Keep that made them so memetic? Well, it's not just because of their cheap nature as fodder, but also because of the one rare Kobold in the set, the one that added onto the creature for ... reasons.

Rohgahh of Kher Keep

And so, Kher Keep became synonymous with Kobolds, and as Legends passed away, they too faded from history. Because seriously, there was nothing good about them. Not even when Legends was around. And you had to be pretty bad - or pretty new - to let the Kobolds get to that point.

Look, what I'm saying is that they are bad, and people who played them were either having fun, or didn't know better.

But then Wizards couldn't leave well enough alone. No, they had to remember they existed. They had to print Time Spiral. And because that was a set that had to reference absolutely everything ever printed in Magic, no matter how awesome or terrible it may be, we got Kher Keep in all it's glory. This land could produce colourless mana, but more importantly, could also create token copies of Kobolds of Kher Keep!

Still a bad card, but token generation on a land can be pretty useful for a variety of reasons. Sacrifice effects, chump blocking. Creature count for Blasphemous Act. You know, the same uses you would use any other token generator for. But paying as well as tapping Kher Keep itself for a single token? No thank you. If it could be repeated, or if it made multiple tokens, I might like it, but not like this.

But even then, that wasn't the end of it. Someone at Wizards still seems to be getting a chuckle out of the Kobolds, so in 2013, then reprinted in Masters 25 and soon to be again in Commander Legends, we get:

Prossh, Skyraider of Kher

This dragon summons the Kobolds of Kher Keep in order to eat them and gain more power in the process. And starting out with FIVE Kobolds in addition to the 5/5 Flyer? Well, I actually like that exchange. Too bad I don't have one. And I did just mention making Kobolds for sacrificial purposes, right? Well, if you run out of Goblin token makers, why not give Kher Keep a try to keep this guy fed and healthy?

You know, I might just look into building that deck if I get one in Commander Legends. I mean, aside from the Baron, but I'm an Old Fogey for liking him so much, Reserved List or no. But back to Kobolds.

Uh... they still suck. They're a joke. Kobolds are bad. Don't use them. Please. For my sake and yours.

They're so bad, I can't even make a good article about them! I mean, their only note is that they have more Lords than non-Lords, something only really shared with Slivers.

Actually just play Slivers. Then at least I can pretend to take you seriously.

So, join me next week then I talk about something new. What, I don't know yet. But until then, please consider donating to my Pattern Recognition Patreon. Yeah, I have a job, but more income is always better. I still have plans to do a audio Pattern Recognition at some point, or perhaps a Twitch stream. And you can bribe your way to the front of the line to have your questions, comments and observations answered!