KrazyCaley & Miinor_Threat Present: MTG's Sexiest EDH Celebrity Decks

Features

KrazyCaley

12 December 2014

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miinor_threat (MT): As promised, every 5 years like clockwork you get a new Miinor_Threat and KrazyCaley article! Apparently a lot has been going on since we last posted, protests on the streets of Ravnica, the government of Theros defaulting on their sovereign debt, and drone strikes killing Temur civilians. I wouldn't know, I've spent the last five years in a haze of mescaline and hot pockets, competing in illegal underground League of Legends tournaments all across the American South.

KrazyCaley (KC): And I've been doing Daily Draft Debates with me playing all eight seats! In any case, TappedOuters, we're back to give you dead serious, up to the minute updates on all the hottest trends in Magic. Who is Fblthp dating at the moment? Is Emrakul sporting a baby bump on the red carpet? CAN Emrakul even sport a baby bump? Is Nicol Bolas actually behind Obama? (Yes) Is Nicol Bolas actually behind this ARTICLE? (Yes) Why is Norin so wary? Relax, guy!

MT: So join us, your planeswalker paparazzi, as we throw all journalistic standards out the window and take an upskirt shot of the multiverse!

Taylor Swift

MT: America's sweetheart was recently spotted shuffling a Mardu aggro deck at a local EDH League in Brooklyn. "The only man in my life right now is Zurgo Helmsmasher," says the pop princess. "The fact that he is indestructible on my turn means he is there to support me, but he also has a sensitive, vulnerable side that comes out on my opponents' turns." When asked about her on again, off again relationship with her Heartless Hidetsugu deck, she responded: "Mono red just doesn't have the answers that I'm looking for right now, and even though he would wreck the table he always did so much damage to me in the process that I just had to move on."

KC: When asked about the unconventional inclusion of Darien, King of Kjeldor in her new decklist, Tay-Tay said "If you hurt me, if you break my heart, I'm only going to come back stronger with more and better men. Or 1/1 tokens. It's a metaphor."

Taylor's tech spotlight: Worldslayer, Curse of the Pierced Heart, Crackling Doom, Arena, Jokulhaups, Chaos Warp, Inquisitor's Flail, Boros Charm.

Skrillex

KC: Skrlz keeps it rlzs with a foiled-out all Japanese Phenax, God of Deception mill-combo deck! He's spinning Eater of the Dead and dropping the bass on tuck + Tunnel Vision. Good luck getting past Wall of Frost, motherf--ker, now mill seven!

MT: According to one inside source, this dapper DJ was quoted saying "I want losing to this deck to capture the feeling parents get when they walk in while their kids are listening to dubstep, embarrassment mixed with regret, with the concerned knowledge that they will never know exactly what the fuck was going on before they walked in. Undead Alchemist + Intruder Alarm bitches!"

Skrillex's tech spotlight: Mind Grind, Knacksaw Clique, Forced Fruition, Sewer Nemesis, Increasing Confusion, Bangerang Boomerang, Helm of Obedience, Leyline of the Void

Barack Obama

KC: The latest AP wire reported that the most powerful man in the world was spotted coming back from a foreign trip with a windowed EDH deckbox. The only visible card? A foil Ruhan of the Fomori. While the President himself has not commented on speculations about his new build, this has not prevented Republican opponents from getting their lumps in. "Ruhan attacks at random, just like the President," said Ted Cruz (R-TX). "This lack of rational, strong leadership in foreign policy is mirrored by the President's arbitrary plankton approach to over-the-table free-for-all politics. Howling Mine in a Ruhan deck doesn't make you perceived as fair, it makes you perceived as WEAK." The change to Ruhan actually came as an attempted compromise with Republicans after they criticized Obama's Zedruu the Greathearted deck* as "characteristic of the socialist giveaway welfare state Obama has tried to turn America into." * - (the President is obligated by 15 U.S.C. 888 to only run Jeskai-color EDH decks).

MT: Thanks OBAMA. Ever since Professor Vorthos here took office my win ratios are down, the price of shocklands have skyrocketed, and hard working Americans have to pay more for their spells when Rhystic Study is in play. He says he supports the community of players that have immigrated to the EDH table, but in fact more cards have been deported to the ban list during his administration than anytime since the 1970's. It's like Mitch McConnell said: "Maybe he could get more people to the table if he didn't always insist on playing Emperor."

Presidential tech spotlight : Land Tax, Reconnaissance, Sovereigns of Lost Alara, Solitary Confinement, Grand Arbiter Augustin IV, Rule of Law, Sunforger, and a Geist of Saint Traft altered to look like Joe Biden.

Kanye West

KC: Yeezy recently acquired some very expensive judge foils to put the finishing touches on his Zur the Enchanter EDH deck. The Roc-A-Fella rapper is rumored to have one of the most expensively tricked out commander decks of all time, with nothing but original print-run Beta promo Japanese foils, most of which weren't even known to exist before the Yeeze took s--t to the next level. Notably, the majority of Kanye's deck has been hand altered with images of Kim Kardashian's butt and adorned with real diamonds, and he reportedly lights a cigar with one of the five beta Mox before each match while a Cambodian virgin shuffles his deck.

MT: Hold on Caley, Imma let you finish, but when playing against this deck, it's possible to achieve the pinnacle state of agonizing human frustration known as a "Zurgasm" where your body locks up into one giant charlie horse.

Deck tech - Diplomatic Immunity, Jace, the Mind Sculptor, Moat, Mana Drain, Stasis, Winter Orb, Vindicate, Armageddon, Louis Vuitton sleeves.

Lorde

MT: It's beginning to look a lot like Grixis! New Zealand pop icon Lorde unveiled a tricked out Marchesa, the Black Rose at GP Monte Carlo in November. In an interview with Spin magazine, the songstress really let her hair down: "I'm all about dethrone, you know, it's like with my music, I want to remind people where they come from. I sneak my decklists into my lyrics for my hardcore fans. Ya ya ya(wgmoth)."

KC: Lorde's opponents report that her deck strikes the right balance between being competitive and fun. It also seems to have numerous uses for the undying mechanic. Said one player "She lays down strong, fun beats. At the table with Lorde we're ALL feelin' good on a Wednesday!"

Lorde tech: Royal Assassin, Flayer of the Hatebound, Geralf's Messenger, Phyrexian Altar, Geralf's Mindcrusher, Mikaeus, the Unhallowed, Treasonous Ogre.

Pope Francis

MT: The Holy Father broke out some new tech at his weekly Vatican playgroup according to the the Catholic magazine "Guilt." When asked why he switched from his traditional mono-white Mikaeus, the Lunarch token deck to a ruthless, net-decked 5-color Hermit Druid combo build he replied: "Because the Archbishop of Milan runs a f--king Gaddock Teeg deck and I'm sick of that motherf--ker locking me out of the game. I'm the f--king Pope, I gotta get some wins in."

KC: This lends new meaning to last week's story, when His Holiness visited a Rome orphanage, found one of the orphans running a pauper Captain Sisay deck, and gave him an already-sleeved Savannah, prompting many at the time to wonder if the Pope was contemplating a switch. Said Francis at the time - "It is written: 'For I was hungry, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: and I was running, honest to God, Elfhame Palace, and ye gave me a beta dual.'"

Deck tech: Wrath of God, Muddle the Mixture; Mana Crypt, Mental Misstep, Mother of Runes, Pull from Eternity, Reanimate, Angel of Glory's Rise, Gilded Drake, Ancient Grudge, official Ultra-Pro pope-mobile papal deck box.

Oprah

MT: Her Oprahness has made headlines recently for some surprise wins with her Phelddagrif group-hug shenanigans deck. Hive Mind, conspiracy voting, all the "hunted" creatures, all the "tempt" spells, this deck has it ALL. Lady O, always known to be the queen of board politics, was overheard shouting at a friend's kitchen table "YOU get a hippo! And YOU get a hippo! And YOU get a hippo!" as she gave her commander trample over and over again.

KC: While Oprah doesn't eliminate many opponents, she is reportedly still very far ahead in her local points-based league. She consistently locks up the MVP player vote when her opponents look under their seats and find booster boxes of Khans during every match.

Oprah's tech: Burgeoning, Akroan Horse, Primal Vigor, Awakening, Eye of the Storm, Rainbow Vale, sleeves with a picture of her making the Xzibit face while reading Oprah Magazine on them.

Shia LeBeouf

KC - Eccentric Hollywood superstar Shia LaBeouf still can't seem to break his losing streak in the West LA Commander League, but continues to refuse to make any changes to his Mishra, Artificer Prodigy EDH deck, prompting speculation that Shia's deck is not built to win, but rather is some sort of performance art piece. Our on the spot photog reported that Shia searches through his entire library, finding nothing, every time he casts an artifact with Mishra out. In his words, "because that's what life is like."

MT - According to insiders, this deck is more competitive than his previous Phage the Untouchable deck, which he played against himself over and over in a dark room during a recent artist's spotlight at MOCA.

Deck Tech - Myr Servitor, Demigod of Revenge, Mirror Gallery, Squadron Hawk (illegal, has resulted in DQs), Accumulated Knowledge, Brothers Yamazaki, Cogwork Grinder, Kookus, a single copy of Relentless Rats, hand woven deckbox with burlap card sleeves.

Nancy Grace

MT: Television legal bulldog Nancy Grace has been chewing the kitchen table up lately with her new Borborygmos Enraged ramp stompy build. She has proven herself to be a serious competitor, windmill slamming every land and creature, shouting her way through counterspells, and flatly refusing to pass priority no matter whose turn it is.

KC - This new deck came to light after Nancy put her controversial Iona, Shield of Emeria deck on hiatus after repeated complaints to her LGS about the deck running nothing but Karma-type effects. Nancy was, of course, notorious for always naming black after resolving Iona, even if none of her opponents had any black in their decks.

Nancy's Tech: Anger, Vorinclex, Voice of Hunger, Survival of the Fittest, Sneak Attack, Life from the Loam and old Iona tech: Angry Mob, Mask of Law and Grace, Sphere of Grace, Stern Judge

Gil Gunderson

MT: Critics continue to question 90's cartoon star Gil Gunderson's deck building judgment and dogged dedication to his struggling Lord Magnus deck. When asked about his Commander choice by fellow players at the table he replied "Aw jeez. I mean I was trying to stop planeswalkers and by the time I had this whole thing figured out... You wouldn't attack Ol' Gil would ya? I mean I'm mana screwed right now and I need a little time to set up shop. You're not gonna use that Prismatic Lantern for yourself are ya, come on I really need this."

Gil's secret tech: Squire, Wood Elemental, Shelkin Brownie, Leeches, North Star, Sorrow's Path, Adventurers' Guildhouse, Juju Bubble.

GLaDOS

KK: 2012's "Sexiest Machine Intelligence" is a monster at the table (and pretty much everywhere else) with her Karn, Silver Golem deck. Having cranked out 32 copies of Platinum Emperion with Prototype Portal, she was heard to encourage her most recent opponent - "You do not need to scoop. All you have to do is deal with all the Platinum Emperions. And the 10 Platinum Angel tokens. And the Darksteel Reactor with 18 counters. And the Blightsteel Colossus. And the Karn with Champion's Helm. I meant Karn, the creature, not Karn the Planeswalker, although you also need to deal with that. It would be silly to put Champion's Helm onto a Planeswalker, of course. Also, you need to deal with this Eldrazi Conscription I'm putting on Karn. But other than that, I'm sure your single Llanowar Elves will ensure your inevitable...victory. Besides, the most important thing is that we had fun, right? Oh wait, I meant that was the second-most important thing. The most important thing is whether or not you won."

MT: Recently gossip websites have been buzzing with rumors that after every match with GLaDOS, cake is provided! How about that!

GLaDOS tech: Erratic Portal, Planar Portal, Prototype Portal, Mycosynth Lattice, Darksteel Forge, and endless decklist testing.

(WILD APPLAUSE)

MT & KC: So there you have it ladies and gentlemen! You paid for your whole seat but you probably only needed the edge of it. Catch us in another five years (or whenever we get around to it) when we bring you the latest in snark commentary about Avacyn's excessive eyeliner (Hot Topic much?) and expose intimate and invasive details of Anax and Cymede's bitter divorce. Until then!